Climbing another mountain

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The big 50

I’m sitting here reflecting over the years that seem to have just flown by. I’ve noticed over the past ten years, I’ve become more aware of growing older. Yet, when I think further back, it goes much further. I recall turning 25 and feeling old because I was a quarter of a century old. Then upon my 30th birthday, my best friend, Lisa through me a surprise birthday party. I recall walking in the house and dozens of people cheered as I rounded the corner. I did the unthinkable. I turned and walked out. I didn’t leave, but I was not in the mood to celebrate leaving my 20’s. Holy cow, it occurred to me then,  I felt suddenly old. I guess it didn’t help that the tv series, 30 something, was still airing, and I watched how they made the decade they were in seem dreadful.
Speaking of decades, another passed and I found myself suddenly 40. Wow, 40 years old. Yet I was still passing for my 20’s so, I really didn’t care, but as the years climbed higher the number really started to bother me.

Well, I’m about to climb another hurdle. I will be turning 50 on the 25th of Jan. Holy cow, when did that happen? I don’t feel 50, I still feel like I was in my 20s.  Yet, in the back of my mind, I’m taken aback. I guess didn’t think about it, I was young, in fact, I think I felt immortal. I knew I had years ahead of me and I was having a good time.

During this time, I took everything so serious. Everything was rushed and drama filled.  I don’t feel like that anymore. I am more patient, relaxed, I take things in stride. I’m more rational in my thinking and can put myself in other’s shoes.  This getting older is not all that bad.

On the plus side. I’ve been blessed with good skin, so the lines that have reared, are not deep. But I still wonder how long it will be before that changes. It really shouldn’t matter right?  I know in ten years, the little things I stress over now, I won’t then. I can say with conviction, my likes, desires, and tastes keep changing over time.  Again, this getting older is not a bad thing.

However, just so you know, I’ve been 28 for years, and I’m sticking to it. This is the first time I’ve publically said my real age. I guess I’ve been a little superficial. Well, maybe a lot superficial. But in my defence, I’m all girl, so my looks and body image are important to me. I look in the mirror and as crude as this may sound, it’s how I think. When I look in the mirror, I look at myself with a critical eye, and when I’m at my best, I’ve said, “Yeah, I’d have sex with her.” However, my weight does fluctuate, only by ten pounds, but during that gain, I don’t like to look at myself in the full-length mirror.  Does that make me vain?  Yes, but if I’m not happy with who I am and what I look like. How can I expect others too?  I know how we reflect mood and image, it impacts how other see us. It is what it is. I will never be perfect. I am my own worst critics.

In 15 days, I say goodbye to my 40’s and I think this is the first time in my life. I’m okay with that. Age is just a number.

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